Tariq Likes Webcams 

“Make sure you’re looking at the camera please Mr.Holland”  I’ve got five days before I’m out of prison and I’m about to have a fantastic conversation via webcam with my probation officer, Tariq.


Fucking webcam!?, webcam!? Oh while we’re here, you might as well chuck me your fucking Bebo as well fella! All this fucking technology we’ve got nowadays and my fucking probation officers essentially just added me on msn.



A large asian pixel began to form in the centre of the screen, as it became clearer, I could see this man getting angrier and angrier at me frantically waving at him mouthing ” CAN YOU SEE ME?”



Tariq spent the next thirty minutes listing the reasons why he hated me, and how he basically couldn’t wait for me to get home, so he could fuck me with his big law abiding dick . I didn’t really care, I don’t know why he thought I cared? Does he think I wanted to be mates? Does he think I’d found out weeks before, we have similar birthdays and that has joint party written all over it, but due to his sudden change of opinion on me, I’ve had to cancel the whole event, but I’ve already payed the deposit for the bouncy castle, and I’ve phoned the bouncy castle company up myself, only to be told that unfortunately it’s company policy that they can’t give me a refund?

I couldn’t give two shits, nor one, for that matter,  I’m going home Tariq. When I get there, I’m getting in to my pants, and celebrating by seeing how many apricot yoghurts I can fit in and around my mouth, and there’s nothing you can fucking do about it SIR.

Turns out there’s loads he can do about it.

Didn’t really quite comprehend how much power probation officers have over you. Last week I was waving at him on chat roullete for fucksake, I’ve fucked it.

Tariq proceeded to metaphorically bum me once a week for an hour for 9 months. If I so much as put a plastic bottle in the glass bin he’d send me back to prison.

I hope his days are now filled with minor inconveniences. I hope every Victoria sponge he bites in to for the rest of his life isn’t perticularly moist. The man is fucking ridiculous. According to Tariq, I’m not allowed a girlfriend? I’m not allowed one? I can only assume he thinks if and when I get a girlfriend, I’ll duct tape a funnel to her mouth and just pour cocaine down it? Is that not how relationships work?

Long story short he’s my boyfriend now.

He’s not really he’s a dick.. and I’m not gay.

Just wanted to rant about him really.