Raymond Can’t Colour In The Lines

If you haven’t noticed already, I don’t write things in chronological order.  I THINK OF SHIT, I WRITE IT DOWN, IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, FUCK OFF.

I’ll be backtracking to prison for this story, it was around my fourth month inside, so I’d started to settle in. When I say settle in, I mean accept it. You don’t fucking settle in, it’s not homely. I’d just had what they call ‘pasta surprise’ for lunch, the surprise is… it’s fucking shit. Not surprising at all really, is it? Would be ten times more surprising if it was delicious.

I was laying on my bed, concentrating on holding down today’s meal, when a very odd man approached my door. A man I later found out to go by the name, Raymond. His abundant amount of grease soaked hair stretched down to his white T-shirt in a way that, from the amount on it, I can only assume, he’d purposefully washed it in gravy.  He had also quite clearly altered his tracksuit trousers in to shorts… without the help of any scissors. His eyes were at an angle that looked like they were more interested in what his ears were up to than what’s going on in front. He proceeded to present to me some colouring he’d done. He’d paid absolutely no attention to the outline of the fish that was on the page, in fact, after looking at it for some time, I think he’d just dipped his arse in paint and sat on it.

“YOU WANNA BUY?” he proudly hollered at me, smiling eye to eye. It was clear a mile off this bloke was particularly… differnt. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings; I could just picture him going back to his cell devastated, crying while wiping the paint off his arse thinking “all my hard work, for what?” So I pretended to be interested and just said the first thing I could think of that wouldn’t be offensive.

“Cor it’s bloody good mate but I just haven’t got the room!”

Raymond blankly stared round my empty cell, disregarding the multiple places I could put his bum print, then walked out backwards, staring… sort of at me.

I spent the rest of the day dazed by the events that had unfolded earlier on.  I went downstairs for sociable time with a bunch of people I didn’t like.

Here he comes.

Raymond’s walking towards me, with not one, but two new masterpieces with him. He’s obviously not as stupid as he looks and after evaluating how empty my cell is, he’s decided I could easily fit two of his modern art pieces in there.

The last thing I want is these things displayed in my fucking cell for all to see. I was stabbed a month ago, I don’t need colourings, shit colourings at that, stuck on my fucking wall. People will think I’m mentally disabled and exploit me, I just fucking know it.

He opened his mouth in a way I could see “YOU WANNA BUY?” was about to come out, so I quickly tried to distract him. “You fancy a game of pool, mate?” Raymond stopped and began laughing at me. “GOOD LUCK! I’M THE BEST”


We began to play and it very quickly became apparent, Raymond is in fact not the best at pool. I’m trying my bardest to let him win but people are beginning to congregate and watch, whispering. THEY THINK WE’RE FUCKING MATES, AS EQUALLY SPECIAL AS ONE ANOTHER. I’m looking around at people as they point and laugh at us two “buddies”. Raymond’s got a ball in his mouth. I’m not having this.

I decided I’m not being nice anymore and pot all the necessary balls for me to win. As I pot the final ball, Raymond’s head lifted up and looked at me like I’d just asked him if it would be okay for me to to shit on his feet.  He whispered…


“Sorry Raymond?”

This man fucking errupted.


Raymond is now coming at me, with his cue, which, although he can’t use correctly, turns out he’s not fucking bad at swinging it around his head in anger. Everyone is most certainly laughing at me now, I’ve got a full on audience. I can’t defend myself, can I? That’s going to go down well isn’t it. “Oh, Mr Holland, despite your excuse of  “he started it”, we will be giving you extra charges for punching a disabled man.” Fantastic.

“I’m sorry you’re right, I’m a cheater.”

Raymond put his cue down and thanked me for admitting that I’d actually swindled him out of winning but informed me sadly, we won’t be friends anymore.

No need for those drawings then?

Vaporub and Dog Poo Fits

So I was in Paris with my girlfriend having something to eat. 

By my girlfriend, I mean my mate Dan

By Paris, I mean we were in my shed 

By having something to eat, I mean we were sniffing drugs 


My pals and I all have F.O.M.O, (fear of missing out) disorder. One of our friends has caught wind that we’re together, because Jay’s posted a snapchat to his story with the caption ‘lads lads lads ‘ dancing. When the reality is, it’s not lads, there’s two of us, he’s dancing to no music, and the sheds so small every time he danced vigorously throughout that video he was bashing me in the head. Never the less our mate wouldn’t  accept it, and has decided to come. 

He’s turned up looking like he’s just been told someone’s kicked his cat half a mile down the road. Turns out he’s had a really bad cold, and thought vapo rub decongestion gel for your chest, goes on your top lip, so it had blown his fucking head off. 

Hahaha that still makes me laugh. 

This particular mate of mine liked ketamine. Never was my thing to be honest, always believed ketamine’s for stable dwelling animals. Can’t really comment, the majority of this story took place in a shed. 

After many hours of borderline gay bromance chats, pretend videos of us acting like we’re on our first lads holiday to make anyone who didn’t come round feel shit, we went for the final cigarette of the night/morning. 

Dan and I are discussing how warm it is for 5:30 am, I turn to seek agreement from our other friend with us… he doesn’t look very well.

“You look silly” I said, how nice. 


He’s hit the floor and started having a fucking fit. Even worse for him, he’s landed on one of my dogs shits, perfectly in the centre of his back on his white t shirt, and began spreading a sort of shit angel. 


Really puts things in to perspective when you’re trying to make sure your mate doesn’t swallow his tongue. 

We phoned an ambulance, and sat waiting shitting ourselves. 

He’s dead. 

HAHAHAHAA  he’s not he’s fine, just don’t do ket.

Tariq Likes Webcams 

“Make sure you’re looking at the camera please Mr.Holland”  I’ve got five days before I’m out of prison and I’m about to have a fantastic conversation via webcam with my probation officer, Tariq.


Fucking webcam!?, webcam!? Oh while we’re here, you might as well chuck me your fucking Bebo as well fella! All this fucking technology we’ve got nowadays and my fucking probation officers essentially just added me on msn.



A large asian pixel began to form in the centre of the screen, as it became clearer, I could see this man getting angrier and angrier at me frantically waving at him mouthing ” CAN YOU SEE ME?”



Tariq spent the next thirty minutes listing the reasons why he hated me, and how he basically couldn’t wait for me to get home, so he could fuck me with his big law abiding dick . I didn’t really care, I don’t know why he thought I cared? Does he think I wanted to be mates? Does he think I’d found out weeks before, we have similar birthdays and that has joint party written all over it, but due to his sudden change of opinion on me, I’ve had to cancel the whole event, but I’ve already payed the deposit for the bouncy castle, and I’ve phoned the bouncy castle company up myself, only to be told that unfortunately it’s company policy that they can’t give me a refund?

I couldn’t give two shits, nor one, for that matter,  I’m going home Tariq. When I get there, I’m getting in to my pants, and celebrating by seeing how many apricot yoghurts I can fit in and around my mouth, and there’s nothing you can fucking do about it SIR.

Turns out there’s loads he can do about it.

Didn’t really quite comprehend how much power probation officers have over you. Last week I was waving at him on chat roullete for fucksake, I’ve fucked it.

Tariq proceeded to metaphorically bum me once a week for an hour for 9 months. If I so much as put a plastic bottle in the glass bin he’d send me back to prison.

I hope his days are now filled with minor inconveniences. I hope every Victoria sponge he bites in to for the rest of his life isn’t perticularly moist. The man is fucking ridiculous. According to Tariq, I’m not allowed a girlfriend? I’m not allowed one? I can only assume he thinks if and when I get a girlfriend, I’ll duct tape a funnel to her mouth and just pour cocaine down it? Is that not how relationships work?

Long story short he’s my boyfriend now.

He’s not really he’s a dick.. and I’m not gay.

Just wanted to rant about him really.