Vaporub and Dog Poo Fits

So I was in Paris with my girlfriend having something to eat. 

By my girlfriend, I mean my mate Dan

By Paris, I mean we were in my shed 

By having something to eat, I mean we were sniffing drugs 

We’d just reached the “I FUCKING LOVE YOU MATE, NO,NO,NO LISTEN, I KNOW WE SAY IT ALL THE TIME, BUT, NO, I PROPER…NO, NO, LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTENNNN, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING MATE, I PROPER LOVE YOU MATE I REALLY DO BRUV” Stage of the evening. When our mate phoned. 

My pals and I all have F.O.M.O, (fear of missing out) disorder. One of our friends has caught wind that we’re together, because Jay’s posted a snapchat to his story with the caption ‘lads lads lads ‘ dancing. When the reality is, it’s not lads, there’s two of us, he’s dancing to no music, and the sheds so small every time he danced vigorously throughout that video he was bashing me in the head. Never the less our mate wouldn’t  accept it, and has decided to come. 

He’s turned up looking like he’s just been told someone’s kicked his cat half a mile down the road. Turns out he’s had a really bad cold, and thought vapo rub decongestion gel for your chest, goes on your top lip, so it had blown his fucking head off. 

Hahaha that still makes me laugh. 

This particular mate of mine liked ketamine. Never was my thing to be honest, always believed ketamine’s for stable dwelling animals. Can’t really comment, the majority of this story took place in a shed. 

After many hours of borderline gay bromance chats, pretend videos of us acting like we’re on our first lads holiday to make anyone who didn’t come round feel shit, we went for the final cigarette of the night/morning. 

Dan and I are discussing how warm it is for 5:30 am, I turn to seek agreement from our other friend with us… he doesn’t look very well.

“You look silly” I said, how nice. 

WALLOP.

He’s hit the floor and started having a fucking fit. Even worse for him, he’s landed on one of my dogs shits, perfectly in the centre of his back on his white t shirt, and began spreading a sort of shit angel. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

Really puts things in to perspective when you’re trying to make sure your mate doesn’t swallow his tongue. 

We phoned an ambulance, and sat waiting shitting ourselves. 

He’s dead. 

HAHAHAHAA  he’s not he’s fine, just don’t do ket.

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